As I talked about in one of my first posts, I have been dealing with anxiety/fear at night for a while. Well, since writing that post, it’s been somewhat better and today I had a small victory! :) I knew I needed to write about it and use blogging as a sort of therapy.
I did have a night several days ago that I woke repeatedly and felt anxiety for no reason at all, got up and sat on the couch and watched a movie with my husband sleeping next to me (he sleeps in the living room on our reclining couch because of back and shoulder issues which prevent him from sleeping in a bed). That night was awful because I didn’t really fall asleep until about 3am. But, I was able to laugh at myself about a part of it; I really thought there was a “bad guy” in our kitchen when I started hearing a strange noise at 1am…turns out it was the coffee maker. Some bad guy.
Then, a few nights ago, I woke up at 2:30 to use the bathroom and I went to see if my husband was up. He was, and I needed to talk to him because he had seemed really stressed out the night before but he hadn’t been able to talk about what was bothering him. Anyway, we went onto our front porch and talked for a long, long time (if you’re a parent, you know what a true luxury and rarity that is!) and while we were out there, two different sets of neighbors had people coming and going. In the middle of the night! I don’t know why, but this made me feel comforted to know that our street is more active than I thought it was, while I sleep. They weren’t doing anything sketchy, just arriving home, talking like we were, etc. I was totally knackered the next day because I stayed up from 2:30-5:15 with him before heading back to bed…and getting up at 8am.
The small victory happened just a little while ago when my husband called me on the phone. Said he was off from work and on his way home. I asked why and he said (with sadness and hesitation) that he has to work tonight (as in, leave at 1:30am). He knows this normally makes me very upset and stressed out because it means I’m alone with the kids in the middle of the night and he knows about the fear I experience. Anyway, I DIDN’T FEEL ANYTHING!! I didn’t have that instant sinking feeling! Nothing!
♦ ♦ ♦
As I’m thinking about the coming night, I’m assuming I will be getting up because I always wake up (thanks full bladder and baby movements!) and when he’s not here I can’t go back to sleep. But I don’t feel afraid of it happening. I’m going to get on amazon in a little while and choose a movie to rent that seems light-hearted and funny, if/when I do get up. No biggie, I’ll just sleep when I can.
Hopefully, I will not have any anxiety to report about tonight, but if I do at least I had a small victory today!
Update – I had lots of anxiety while trying to sleep while he was still home, but once I got up at 1:30 and sent him off, I just read blogs, watched movies, and looked at recipes online. No anxiety while I was actually home alone (me and the kids). I’m totally pooped today because I got such little sleep, but I enjoyed a pretty calm night overall.