Our fourth baby is almost three weeks old and is sitting next to me right now even though, at one time, I thought there’d never be another child. She has been my easiest baby so far, but her conception and birth were the absolute hardest. Here’s our story of secondary infertility.
My husband and I decided to start trying for another baby when our third child was just over a year old. We liked the idea of having our third and fourth children close together in age and we knew with my history of miscarriages that it could take awhile to be successful. We had no idea that we still wouldn’t have conceived nearly three years later. After a year and a half of trying, we attempted to find answers with my doctor but there didn’t seem to be anything technically “wrong” with me. I was in my early thirties and it just seemed harder for my body to get pregnant. I used ovulation predictor kits and fertility apps but still, nothing. We didn’t want to pursue fertility treatment, so there wasn’t anything else to do but wait.
By the time three years had passed, I felt completely drained and disappointed – just ready to be done. We had experienced enough months of waiting. I cried in October of 2015 as I told him that I couldn’t do it anymore. That I needed to get rid of all the baby stuff we had. That I wanted to start using birth control again. I was mid-cycle as I cried. He agreed even though he still felt confident that I would have another baby one day.
I didn’t have any confidence.
It felt like closure as I spent the next week going through miscellaneous baby things and deciding which things to donate and which to let our three kids keep. I was beginning to envision my future differently. With no more children. I actually began seeing my future self with grandchildren instead of my own babies. And I felt as close to being peaceful as I think was possible. I’d let the dream go.
Now, where was my period?
I don’t do home pregnancy tests when I’m almost late. Or when I’m three days late. Or even a week late. I wait until I am a full two weeks late before peeing on a stick because that way I don’t have to know if I have a very early miscarriage or if my body is just being wonky. What I don’t know can’t hurt me, right? So, when I was almost two weeks late and my breasts were killing me, I started getting a bit upset. Why would my body be so mean as to be this late when I’ve just given up the baby dream?! I was certain that it was just my dumb body teasing me.
But then it was the night before being two weeks late and I had a dream…that I was pregnant. And as I slept, I began hurting. Whenever I successfully conceive, I have a lot of lower abdominal pain so, as I writhed in bed, I did think it might be possible.
It was the last day in October when I got up and went to the bathroom. I used a First Response pregnancy test and there they were. I saw two lines. Two lines are the most beautiful sight in the world to a woman who wants a child. Those lines represent the mother and baby. Before, with only one line, it’s just you…but two lines means you’re not alone.
I was startled. Could it really be?! It hadn’t sunk in. I trembled as I walked into the other room and told Stephen. The look of shock and joy on his face said it all. He was thrilled. I was, too, but it was still such a surreal thing to happen. Hadn’t I just gotten rid of all our baby stuff?
Oh my word, I was pregnant.
Sending out big hugs to all the ladies still hoping and praying to see those two beautiful lines.
It can happen even if it seems like all hope is lost.
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